Comments That Will Make You the Most Popular Commenter in the Commenting Universe

Comments are a tricky deal. On the one hand, I love hearing from readers. On the other hand, I don’t love hearing from all readers. Like the one who wrote a sixteen paragraph dissertation on how I should use the other half of my brain. Or the one who highlighted every third word in one of my articles and then wrote “I don’t get it,” with no further explanation.

That’s why I’ve put together this handy guide to help you leave the absolute best comments and make everyone love you. Let’s get started.

1. Don’t be shy about your credentials, your education or the size of your big, juicy brain

If you’re someone with way more education than the average bear (or if you just happen to know everything), it’s your job — nay, your divine purpose — to point out every error you find.

Example:

Dear {someone’s name here}

As someone who holds seventeen doctorates in fields ranging from Nuclear Physics to Exotic Animal Husbandry, I found your point in paragraph two in your piece about how crayons are named deeply disturbing. Red-tailed squeaky lizards are only endangered on the small island of Bumfuzzle. Please correct this glaring error and tag me in a comment when you do.

Condescendingly yours,

Alfred H. Foznobber III, Ph.D. (x17), MBA, MS, BS, Advanced Certificate in Fancy Penmanship

2. Offer constructive criticism

If you deem the thing you just read to be really, really awful, it is your sworn duty to let the writer know.

Example:

HEY I tried to read this thing to the end. Have you heard of GRAMMER? I grabbed some potato chips while I was trying to read your “masterpiece” but puked up half the bag by the second paragraph cuz it was SO BAD! And BORING. I also think you should change yr profile pic. Only thing that made me laugh in your hole story. LOL LOL LOL 😂🤪

Peace out,

Snarkyuser69

3. Respectfully disagree

If you’re enraged by the writer’s viewpoint, offer a respectful, well-thought-out counterargument.

Example:

Why you would say that turnips are disgusting is beyond me. Here are some vegetables that are more disgusting than the turnip… (12 paragraphs removed for brevity).

And another thing! My great-grandfather was a turnip farmer who literally fell off a turnip truck. Here are some other trucks he fell off of…(178 paragraphs removed for brevity)

The next time you think about slandering an entire species of root vegetable, I hope you’ll take a long look in the mirror first because…(872 paragraphs removed for brevity).

Ragefully yours,

Dennis Egoslayer

4. Promote yourself

Craft an irresistible comment that can be applied to every single piece of writing you take the time to scroll to the end of. Everything is awesome! Paste it and move along. This is a great strategy because studies show that 0.0000001% of the people who read even one in your trail of comment treasures will click on a link.

Example:

Hey fabulous writer!

Great piece! Check out my website here, my Twitter here, my Facebook group here, my Instagram here, and my GoFundMe page for the development of self-aware paperclips here.

Best,

Clara D. Sociophile

Thanks for reading. Feel free to leave a comment!